Friday, October 23, 2009

And introducing....cheese

Obviously, this blog, this outlet, has been kaput for a long time. For many reasons. But now, as evidenced by the fact that I am up at 4 am, and have been since 2 am, I have much on my mind that I think would be good to get out. It's like my compulsive list-making. It makes sense to me, that if I empty my brain onto a list, then I can forget about it. I can stop obsessing (and/or compulsing) about said item, because it is there, written down, and I can come back to it when I need to. I think this might be that, for now.

Which is an incredibly dour and introspective way to start off a post that says OMG! We had a baby!!! A beautiful, wonderful, healthy little boy named Jacob. He made it past his brother's gestational age by about a week and a half, and comes in swinging at 4 lbs 13 oz. He is in the NICU for now, but doing so so so so well.

It is just, this is hard. Did I actuall
y think it wouldn't be? I guess in the whirlwind of emotions and tasks and events since my water broke, we decided that oh, this was so much easier the second time around. And hey, we're at home this time, and not living out of a suitcase! And we know what to expect! And pshaw, we know our way around a NICU. We know from feeds and residuals, from infiltrates and head ultrasounds. We know for sure that everything works out okay, that babies like this turn into boys like Graham, smart beyond words, happy, healthy, beautiful.

Except that, no. This is just as hard. This is just as emotionally draining, to go home without your baby. To not know him. To not be able to hold him, because he needs his time under those bright blue lights. To be so careful with his fragile little old man preemie body. To watch him tire so quickly. Even though he is one of the healthiest in his pod, even as we listen to the nurses tell us to "get ready!" for him to come home, even as we feel the sadness of the other parents in the pod with sicker babies who will still be there after Jake has come and gone. Even then, it is still so freaking hard.

ut. BUT. He is here, and he is healthy, and lovely, and obviously already following the trend of babies in our family who are unlike their parents in that he is so calm, so mellow and sweet. And even though there is all this, we fall a little more in love every day.


Margaret said...

Yay - you're back! I'm sitting here procrastinating on finishing my dissertation (due Monday!) - and I just happened to check.
Am sending you a big *big* hug, mama. You guys are the best, and Jacob is so lucky to be a part of this amazing family. And yes, I can only imagine this is just as hard. But hang in there - you will have him home soon and you'll have a hard time even remembering all of this.
much love, m.

Amy and Jay said...

So, so glad that you are back! And congratulations Momma X2! Very , very exciting news! Can't wait to meet the new Welsh boy - it's still crazy to think that there are 5 Welsh boys now, not 3. Love to you all!

graham's mom said...

Amy: Joe says he never thought about it that way! Terrifying, really....although Nelson girls will always lord it over them, regardless of number!

Mags: Thanks so much for the hugs. I can't wait for all our little babies to be in one place!

CC said...

Congrats Sarah!!!! So happy for you guys :)

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